1. Have a goal in mind: It may sound obvious but the most fundamental step in getting the best from your mentor is to have an idea of what it is you are trying to achieve.  Whether it’s to learn a new skill, tap into their expertise, overcome a gap, knowing where you are trying to go is the first step.  You don’t need to know HOW to get there, that is where the power of the mentoring conversations will come in!
2. Agree to a schedule – and [try to] stick to it: Will you be meeting monthly, every two weeks, weekly? In person or by phone?  Whatever the frequency of your mentoring conversations and whether they are in person or not, try to schedule those meetings at the outset.  You can always move them if necessary, however by scheduling them up front it means that your other commitments fit around you and  your mentoring, rather than trying to fit your mentoring around other things.  Move yourself up your own priority list!
3. Clarify Expectations: Mentors and mentees typically enter their relationships with underlying expectations of each other. To prevent misaligned expectations and the possibility of disappointment make sure you discuss and agree: Confidentiality, response times (if I email or phone between scheduled meeting how quickly can I expect to hear back?), communication methods, how long the mentoring relationship is expected to last, and so on
4. Take Action: This is the most critical step to a satisfying mentoring experience.  The conversations you have with your mentor will likely be interesting, challenging and insightful.  However you need to be prepared to move out of your comfort zone and take action; practice the new skills and behaviors, attend a program or networking event, read relevant articles and books.  Learning requires both knowledge and skill, put it into practice!

What advice do you have for ensuring that you get the best from your mentor relationships?

All the research I have completed, as well as my personal experience has shown that having at least one best friend at work has huge benefits, both for the company (profitability, engagement, customer retention) and for the individual (lower stress, increased learning and growth).

In Vital Friends (Rath, 2006) Tom Rath talks about the “Three Friend Threshold.” His research found that people with at least three close friends at work were 96% more likely to be extremely satisfied with their life. The research then went on to discover that people would rather have a best friend at work than a 10% pay raise—relationships matter!

If these benefits are so readily apparent in a work environment, surely there are similar benefits to be gained by having a best friend at school.  Someone to confide in when you are feeling uncertain or having a bad day; someone who can help coach you with  a difficult homework assignment; someone to have lunch with and to play with.  Ultimately I see having best friends at school as important to enhancing performance at school and to developing interpersonal skills, learning resilience, influencing and coping strategies that are invaluable in the adult world.

“Best Friends” will happen, mandating that they shouldn’t will be unlikely to change that fact.  I recall from my school years a small group of us who were “best friends” – those friendships changing weekly around the age of 13.  It was an important period of development.  While I accept that an obsessive relationship with one person may be detrimental, saying that we need to be friends with everyone is equally so.

Since we spend over half our waking hours at work, and with our working lives lasting for 40 years or more, we had better hope we have fun at work, look forward to going to the office, and enjoy working with our colleagues. In the best scenario, the relationships we encounter day after day are those that leave us energized and enthusiastic for the future—a workforce of engaged people working together rather than against each other.

There were four themes that struck me as I listened to the Mentees talk about their Mentors and what made them special and effective.

They Listened:  The Mentees acknowledged that their mentors listened to them, their frustrations, their dreams, their possible next steps.  This listening was without judgement and provided a foundation of trust.

They Challenged: The Mentors helped the participants to move out of their comfort zone and to take action.  To move from a [possible] mindset of helplessness to one where they felt confident and able to take action, to drive for change.

They Shared: The Mentors shared their own experiences and learning from their own careers, providing inspiration and encouragement.

They Championed: The Mentors cheered on their Mentees as they implemented their action plans.  Reviewing and helping to make adjustments when things didn’t go quite to plan and celebrating successes.

These are the characteristics that were important for this group.  I challenge you to think about your own Mentors and those that you may be mentoring.

• What makes a great Mentor for you?
• Who are you a Mentor for? What do they need from you to consider you a great mentor?

Skye Associates designed and facilitates the mentoring program on behalf of the WICT Rocky Mountain Chapter.  Each year two cohorts of mentees are partnered with Mentors, senior leaders from across the cable industry.  The six-month program includes individual mentoring as well as structured learning sessions and has been recognized by WICT as one of the most impactful and successful programs across their chapters.

Syed argues that to succeed to a high degree in sports, just like in any venture, it takes an extreme amount of purposeful practice and that’s what truly separates a champion from the pack. The end result of this practice is what we seem to mistake for natural talent. In order for someone to get themselves to the level of “champion” it takes disciplined practice and a willingness to work harder than most of us want to.

Later in the book, Syed discusses the importance of mindset in parenting and how it is important to praise effort rather than talent. As a mother, this struck a chord with me and ending up being a key takeaway.

This absorbing and thoughtful book made me question whether I was putting “disciplined practice” into the areas where I wanted to succeed?

I regularly refer to the world of work being the biggest team sport that any of us will participate in.  This book takes the learning from sport and is analogous to so many activities in business in which we participate. There is no telling what we are capable of when we put our minds to it and choose to build our capabilities through deliberate focused practice.

The participants were divided up into teams and given a problem to solve. Each person was given a card with a clue to the puzzle and on that card, whether they were to behave as an Ally and help ensure the team’s success, or as an Adversary in which case they were to undermine the team.

So after a day of discussions on ally and adversarial behavior, how did the teams interact? Naturally, they assumed the worst of each other. As they attempted to solve the problem, accusations flew and conversations were yelled over each other as the team members “worked together” to solve the problem. Some were accused of behaving as Adversaries and were essentially “voted off the island.”

Eventually, after some time both teams solved the problem and regrouped to debrief and to discuss the dynamics that occurred. As Morag addressed the teams, she returned to the concept of Ally and Adversary and asked who they thought the Adversaries were. Finger-pointing continued, some accusations were light-hearted, others were more serious. Those who were the “accused” described how frustrated they felt to be held under suspicion, most said this caused them to “check out” even further, which, for the accusers, only served to prove their point. At this point Morag let the group in on one key element to the exercise:

There were no adversaries.

Everyone was behaving with positive intent as an Ally – or thought they were, and yet their behavior was somehow mis-perceived by others as negative, designed to undermine the team, to prevent the group from successfully completing the problem. This was an “aha” moment for the group. Not only did these teams assume the worst in each other, but they did so when everyone was behaving in a supportive way, even after spending the morning discussing the importance of assuming positive intent, of behaving as an Ally.

What can we learn from this?

We all have an inner dialogue that in most people, goes completely unchecked. We tell ourselves an internal “story” about what is happening and then look externally for proof that supports that story. Instead of being flexible thinkers, we distort the incoming data to fit what we already believe. But what if what we believe is misinformed?

In short, don’t always believe your thoughts. They may be telling you one thing when another is actually going on. A true leader with Emotional Intelligence (EQ) will have the courage to discuss the undiscussables to get at underlying beliefs and open the lines of communication – but that’s a blog for another time.

Learn more about “Ally or Adversary?“

In a surprising turn, Tommy Spaulding crafts a wonderful book out of a memoir combined with pragmatic tactics to create strong, lasting relationships. “To invite others to be genuine partners in our lives and success you have to first be interested in other people. It’s not just who you know, or what they can do for you, but what you can do for them,” he writes.

As a young child, Spaulding was given a copy of Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends & Influence People” and this became his bible. He practiced many of the techniques in this book and it was through this book that the foundation for “Its Not Just Who You Know” was born. Spaulding does an effective job convincing the reader that it’s not just who you know – it’s more than that. It’s “the more than that allows you to find satisfaction in your life.” This book takes us deeper into the value of creating genuine relationships and how to develop each and every one.

Spaulding believes that, “in our fiercely competitive world, those who separate themselves from the pack define the interests of others and work tirelessly to help them advance.” To present these ideas on relationships, Spaulding uses a metaphor of a five-story building where the deeper and more meaningful relationships reside at the fifth, or penthouse floor. Using humorous anecdotes and examples, Spaulding informs us on how to move lower level relationships upstairs to the higher-level floors. He defines specific actions to take that include homework for the reader and tasks such as asking simple questions to create a deeper relationship. He provides plenty of his own concrete, real world examples.

This book resonated with me, relationships are at the heart of  my business and philosophy, focusing on how I, and my team, can help others succeed. As some may know, I am in the midst of writing my own book on Cultivating Winning Relationships. I truly believe in Spaulding’s message that we need to go deeper with our connections. It’s not just about how many business cards you have or how many connections on LinkedIn you’ve collected. It’s not just about who you know. It’s about the more than factor that Spaulding talks about. It’s the difference between a thank you email and a thank you dinner. It’s the extra questions that you ask someone and the extra effort you put in after meeting them to let them know that you care on a level that most of us don’t take the time create.

As the book contends and I happen to agree, none of us achieve great success alone. Relationships matter.

When I apply this scenario to leadership and career development I see a similar pattern of behavior.  Capable people who drive their careers with their lights off.  Individuals who hope that others can see their value by virtue of the job they do (driving safely). Unfortunately what tends to happen is that you run the risk of blending into the background, of not being seen until a mistake is made (the accident).  Rather than hoping that others see you, I encourage you to share your passion, your capabilities, your successes.

Put your lights on, toot your horn, make sure others can see you!

To date I have only met one person who actually says he enjoys what most of us consider an arduous task. Despite how you may feel about networking, it is known it to be a vital part of business, whether managing your own career and network, or seeking the next contract and opportunity.

Which is what brings me here today blogging about networking. I recently had a conversation with a colleague who was complaining that he couldn’t get networking to actually work for him. He just couldn’t seem to create any kind of movement or results. I asked him some basic questions to determine his networking strategy and discovered plain and simply that he was doing it wrong.

“How can I help you?”

This should be the question on the forefront of your mind whenever you enter into any kind of networking conversation. Unfortunately, most enter with the mindset of, “What can you do for me?” This approach will likely get you nowhere-as it has my friend. When you begin a conversation with the goal of helping the other person you make yourself a resource and someone with perceived added value. People within organizations are approached all day long by people wanting something from them but ask what you can do for them and they will remember you. This refreshing and pragmatic approach to networking will change your every interaction and create solution-focused topics in which you will be able to sell yourself as the expert and the answer to their problems. Doesn’t that sound like some one you would want to know? Someone you would ask for help? Someone you would want to help?

Everybody Matters

When we network, we tend to stay within our small (and comfortable) circles. We stick to the people in our own industry or our own organization as though they are the only ones who matter.  When I am speaking at conferences and events I will often ask people to raise their hands if they are sitting next to someone they already know. Unsurprisingly most hands go up. We hunt in packs, we stay together, however this misses the one key point for attending the conference in the first place – making new connections!

This limiting mindset of staying with those you already know will hold you back from amazing opportunities. The truth is, you don’t know where the next big lead may come from. In fact, it’s likely that it will come from a place where you least expect it-especially if you are networking from the frame of helping other people. A good friend of mine, based in Singapore, attended a conference in Washington DC.  She had the courage to network, and as a result received a phone call from one of the executives she met offering her a role in Austria. She wasn’t looking to make a change and she wasn’t aware of the organization that approached her so she was unlikely to have come across them other than through this chance encounter. The opportunity came to her and she ended up moving to Austria and is highly successful!

The learning:

When you are operating from a strategy of helping other people and connecting with everyone regardless of what they do, you will begin to establish yourself as a “mover and a shaker” in the networking community. You will also create relationships and that is what networking is about: relationships. You won’t be seen as someone pillaging network events looking for work, but rather as someone with something to offer everyone and as someone you can trust. People will remember your name because you did it differently. They will reach out to you because you offered to help. You will be able to establish yourself as a networking leader and perhaps, networking may even feel like less of a chore. This strategy of collaboration and communication will affect every facet of your business.

Ask yourself, “What is my networking strategy? Am I doing it wrong?” and more importantly, “What can I do to help others?”

Photo courtesy of StockFreeImages.com

In this book, Pink imparts words of wisdom on effective strategies to selling or “moving people”. He stresses to make it personal and purposeful as well as creating conditions where you leave your client better off in the end. The point is not problem solving as many of us may think, but problem finding. Uncovering challenges your client did not know they had is an incredibly effective way of moving someone. If you can elicit their goals you can then be flexible enough to frame the work that you do in that context.

One of the techniques he discusses is understanding the other person’s perspective so that you can create attunement. “The ability to move people now depends on power’s inverse: understanding another person’s perspective, getting inside his head, and seeing the world through his eyes” This involves “syncing mannerisms and vocal patterns” among other things to become a better communicator and more persuasive seller.

This book artfully creates a roadmap to help us guide our own sales techniques as we “move people” in our community.

Anyway, my mum immediately sprang to mind as one of my top three people.  In that moment I felt my throat constrict and a knot in my stomach, I breathed through it and started the debrief with the group, listening to their stories and anecdotes. Powerful stories and anecdotes that set the tone for the remainder of the program.  I thought I had my amygdala under control and my ‘professional’ mask on, when the out-of-body experience returned, and I watched myself start to cry and to share my story about my mum, one of my top three people.  [An aside, I have, until the last 10 years or so compartmentalized my life, work and home rarely crossed - so this was, for me at least, a big deal].

My mum’s story

It was 1970 and my mum was destined to be a professional violinist.  She was a talented musician who had recently graduated from university, married my dad and had two children (me and my brother, Andrew).  All seemed set for the future.  Until my mum was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  Andrew and I (we were 1 and 2 yrs old at the time) were sent to live with my grandparents (my mum’s parents) while my dad continued to work and then travel into London each evening to visit my mum in hospital.  She was there for months and the outlook was uncertain.  Even with surgery and radiation treatment the prognosis was that she would never walk again, that she may not be able to talk, and would certainly never play the violin again.

My mum proved the doctors wrong.  She did walk, though unsteadily as the tumor had impacted her balance.  She did talk, though her voice did become slurred when she was tired.  She did play the violin (and viola, and piano), becoming a music teacher and playing for a local community orchestra.  She successfully raised Andrew and I.  She was (with hindsight) an amazing woman.

In a wry turn of fate my mum was diagnosed with another brain tumor in November 1999, it was deemed inoperable and she was unable to have any radiation or chemotherapy because of the treatments for the first tumor.  She died on April 1st, 2000.

What characteristics do I admire in my mum?

• Optimism – seeing the positive in people, situations and events.  As I reflect on my mum’s life she NEVER complained about her lot.  I do not recall her feeling sorry for herself.
• Courage – It is only now that I realize now just how brave she was.  She faced life with courage and dignity and was determined that she would overcome her physical challenges and that it would not affect Andrew or myself. I remember the day she decided to stop wearing a wig (her hair was very thin and hadn’t grown back properly) and the comments and stares that she received when meeting people in the months that followed.
• Sense of humor – my mum had a wry sense of humor and dry wit, she would laugh and giggle, especially when we were playing cards with her sisters or family…those are fun memories!

What legacy has this created in me?

• Independence – This is both a plus and a negative.  I am strongly independent, give me a task, a project, a challenge and I will do everything I can do successfully deliver, with minimum fuss and without the need to be closely managed.  I believe this comes from the fact that we never mentioned my mum’s story outside of the family.  To be honest, we never mentioned it within the family either. We managed it, unspoken for the most part, between the four of us, it was the way things were, it was the way we were. This is the counterpoint to independence as it means I still don’t ask for help as much as I should – my internal dialog is that I don’t want to be a burden – I have come to realize that people WANT to help, and I am getting better at letting them in, and in sharing my story (hence this blog).
• A sense of humor – I have always operated in the belief that life is too short, you must have moments of fun everyday, to enjoy what you do – my husband tells me I am in the enviable position of LOVING what I do for a living, it always surprises me that others don’t.  Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, we don’t get do-overs, make every day count and see the funny side when things don’t go to plan.
• Believe in yourself – my first career was in Banking, a male dominated industry at that time with ‘time served’ being one criteria for promotion.  I was a successful graduate of the bank’s management development program and therefore ‘ready’ to be an Assistant Manager and then a Bank Manager at a relatively young age.  I heard plenty of reasons why things couldn’t happen: “you haven’t worked in a large branch; haven’t managed a team; haven’t managed a big enough team; haven’t worked in head office; you are too young; been in head office too long.”  In each case I believed in myself, that eventually I would achieve my goals, and like my mum, I have.  There are plenty of others who will tell us “why we can’t because…” and put up barriers to our dreams, we need to make sure that we are the one person who says “Yes I can” and seizes those opportunities.

To my mum, my inspiration, I miss you – now excuse me while I go for a good cry (that’s the wry humor coming out – and the truth)